Dan Savage and Husband Terry Miller at SF State University: The Climactic It Gets Better Anti-Bullying Event

Terry Miller and Dan Savage

Controversial sex advice columnist Dan Savage and his husband Terry Miller attracted a crowd of more than 300 enthusiastic students and curious visitors to the César Chavez Student Center at San Francisco State University on March 25. It was unique in many ways. Savage is loved and hated for his sometimes black-and-white take on hot-button issues. He baits the far right whenever he can, but his appearance was to promote his new book "It Gets Better: Coming Out, Overcoming Bullying, and Creating a Life Worth Living."

Savage walked out onto the stage smiling and wearing his customary T-shirt and dark jeans. His charismatic personality and pumped-up arm muscles took over. He is a trouper since he has been on a grueling book tour while inflicted with influenza.

Savage told the audience how he was horrified by the surge of reported LGBT teen suicides last summer. Realizing that parents would not let him speak to middle school and high school students, he decided to use YouTube to contact at risk LGBT youth. He used an edgy tone of voice and grinned when he said that some parents wanted to keep him away from their daughters, but the young women could check out the videos under their bed covers on their iPads.

The first It Gets Better video was posted on Sept. 2010. It was a message from Savage and Miller telling queer and questioning youth that things will get better, that they should be patient and, if possible, move to a larger, more liberal locale. Numerous youth have messaged that the videos have given them hope and deterred their suicides. The campaign has become a huge phenomenon with more than 10,000 videos reaching over 15 million viewers.

The campaign has been profiled in Time Magazine ("10 Questions for Dan Savage"), on TV’s Nightline ("Savage Love"), in the New York Times ("Campaign Offers Help to Gay Youths"), on CNN ("Gays targeted for hate crimes"), and on NPR ("For Gay Teens, Life 'Gets Better'").

President Barack Obama, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, celebrities like Ellen DeGeneres, Neil Patrick Harris, and Tim Gunn, as well as diverse individuals, groups, schools, businesses and non-profits have all produced It Gets Better videos.

Terry Miller, Savage’s rarely seen partner, was a revelation with biblical blond good looks that rival idealized actor Mark-Paul Gosselaar during his period of flowing golden locks. Miller wore a plaid shirt and a whimsical bow tie surprisingly matched with a hunky physique inside tight, worn, fantasy-inducing jeans. Miller had a strong command of the serious nature of the project. There was low-level guttural murmuring about him and some appreciative growling later during the book signing.

The agreement between Savage and Miller was that Miller be kept out of Savage’s career, but Miller made an exception for the It Gets Better campaign. They were married in Canada, but since they live in Seattle there is noticeable resentment throughout Savage’s nationally syndicated column Savage Love that he cannot marry in the State of Washington.

Savage is increasingly relentless in his disgust for people who continue to say that they “Love gays but hate their sin.” The columnist says that such an attitude is a source of potential suicides. He is widely known for linking the messy residue of a sex act with rabidly homophobic former senator Rick Santorum (R-PA), and it is believed to have helped defeat the bigot at the ballot box.

The production of a book version of the It Gets Better campaign is important since some reactionary parents place the family computer in the living room and monitor it closely. And like some schools, some parents block YouTube videos. Savage said that students could do what he did in the library when he secretly looked at gay books by hiding them inside another book.

A video produced at SF State was shown, and then Equality California (EQCA) Executive Director Geoff Kors spoke eloquently about three anti-bullying bills being placed before the California state legislature by Assemblyman Tom Ammiano, State Senator Mark Leno, and the EQCA. Kors also announced two lobbying days in Sacramento. The one on April 4 traditionally draws a huge turnout of high-energy queer youth who eagerly walk the Capitol corridors and offices.

Then contributors to the It Gets Better book read from their portions. Anthony Antoine flew in from Atlanta, and Taylor Bailey, Joe Mastro, Kristen Rivers, and Tamsyn Waterhouse also read and spoke about how they became involved in the campaign to save lives. The profits from the book go to the Trevor Project, the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network (GLSEN), and the ACLU's LGBT Rights | Youth & Schools project.

A potential flash point occurred at the beginning of the Q&A when a sarcastic voice yelled out the common criticisms of Savage’s sometimes outrageous column, led by his alleged bi-phobia. The columnist acknowledged the accusation and said that he thought that he was a bisexual before he accepted his homosexuality after a few years. He thought that other men who say that they are bisexual will eventually accept their gayness just as he did. It was mentioned later that Savage could spend some time in San Francisco and meet some happy bisexual men who have alternated in their dating between the genders for decades.

And it was repeated that Savage could spend some time in therapy in the Bay Area to overcome his Catholic guilt and need for punishment, which he spoke about. But this need for punishment wonderfully demolishes any pleasure his critics could seek when they've attacked him with hate mail over the course of his 20-year career. And his critics are ferocious because he can criticize them in his column and it can involve their sex lives.

Young people can be seen around town on Wednesdays reading the latest column of Savage Love in the SF Weekly aloud to friends and laughing, gagging, or staring at each other in amazement depending on the subject.

Savage is despised for announcing that if men want oral sex, then their female partners should receive equal oral sex. The reported increasing need of men to try anal sex with women not only has Savage suggesting that the men be equally penetrated with dildos, but also with strap-on dildos, as seen in Good Vibrations’ iconic hit film Bend Over Boyfriend. Messages seething with anxiety pour in to the columnist from men begging him to say that such acts will not make them gay.

One of Savage's most admirable messages is to his straight readers warning them that the authoritarian far right not only opposes queer sex, but also alternative non-queer sex. Savage has even fearlessly taken on possibly the most fanatical group in our culture — the anti-circumcision crew who threatened his life when he said that maybe his son would be circumcised since there is a perceived “ick” factor from many people who are prejudiced against foreskins.

Savage is a sexual liberationist in the tradition of gay rights founder Harry Hay and the 1970’s Gay Liberation Front, and he is carrying on a valuable tradition.

Links:
YouTube It Gets Better Project
It Gets Better: Coming Out, Overcoming Bullying, and Creating a Life Worth Living
Savage Love

Breathtaking Freedom at the Queertopia Queer Youth Prom

Sparkling prom-goers Kennedy, Rose, Carlos, Layla, Andrea, and Sky

Hundreds of young people in upscale finery surged from BART, Muni, and their parents’ cars toward the San Francisco LGBT Community Center on June 11 for Queertopia, the 2010 Queer Youth Prom put on by the Youth Program at The Center. Teens heading to a prom is not an unusual sight for this time of year, but a second glance revealed that the couples were same sex and holding hands.

The tone for the magical, semi-formal evening was set by the suits and slinky black ensembles sported by the young men and women, and the beautiful, brightly colored satin and silk gowns worn by the young women and one tattooed young man. Two young women came to the party dressed like Lady Gaga, dripping in bling.

It was a series of wonderful, profound moments for the youth who took refuge from their judgmental families, home towns, and high schools to attend the prom. Many were thrilled to meet and greet other queer youth and allies, especially the hopeful singles.

Attendees were spared the ridiculous high school prom night of this journalist, whose date was his fourth cousin, and whose teenage male lover of four years brought a lesbian friend on the double date, who laughed diabolically all evening about the acting awards that she claimed that she deserved for her performance. There was no public same-sex touching, kissing, or dancing in high schools back then, and it was breathtaking to see the contrast at Queertopia, where close contact was blatant and casual. But thousands of LGBT youth in conservative locales still have to set up a charade with opposite-sex dates just to double date with their lovers.

The Center was decorated by interns with traditional balloons and crêpe paper, and an arch was mounted over the staircase with recycled Christmas holly. Young volunteers greeted the guests and requested a $5 donation, and officious-looking Center employees wearing headsets made it clear with their expressions and presence that evil-doers would not be tolerated.

An agitated Sister Mae Joy was the ranking Sister of Perpetual Indulgence to supervise Sisters-in-Training Oy Vey Maria, Shugga Butt, and Mo, who served as chaperones. Then statuesque Sister Roma swept into the soirée with her distinctive boa atop her wimple to command the religious order’s minions and attract admiring glances from the style-deprived partygoers.

The all-male Pandora’s Myth Dance Crew performed at the prom. They were described as a fine queer break dance troupe. Hot Cookie, Harvey’s, and the Hard French event crew provided the refreshments.

The party was well-organized, with the Center’s youth coordinators Beck in charge of the second floor and Erik Martinez managing the first floor. The overall event was managed by community program director Roberto Ordeñana, who described in detail the harsh reality of looming funding cutbacks for the Center’s youth meal project. He is hopeful that San Francisco’s mayor and supervisors will be lobbied to save the resource that not only provides sustenance, but also camaraderie and the feeling that someone cares about LGBT youth. Many queer youth are survivors of severe beatings and harassment as soon as their orientations became noticeable, and for some the food program at the Center is their first awareness that adults and other youth support and accept them for who they are.

A large, distinctive “HIV Testing” sign with an arrow pointed to a room where a smiling Sabeena Shah from Trans Kiss waited, poised with a testing Q-tip. Trans Kiss is a project of the AIDS Healthcare Foundation, and testing counselor Ses Sultan launched himself to aggressively hand out condoms to the throng.

H&M clothiers provided $100 gift cards for raffle prizes, and guests filled out a survey of questions about youth resources in return for free raffle tickets.

A quick polling of the prom about what the young people want drew this shopping list for the LGBT Center:

• youth on the board
• the board to take a personal interest in the youth food program
• full cyber center staffing
• wi-fi throughout the building
• quarterly youth empowerment forums, and
• re-opening the café.

Throbbing Hip Hop and Top 40 music moved the 300+ attendees in the Center’s Rainbow Room. The intoxicating sight-and-sound phenomenon created a classic American prom.

The LGBT youth exulted in their extravagant freedom — a freedom that someday should be a non-issue across the U.S.